Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
