hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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