turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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