Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
