she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I can't trust your balls anymore.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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