Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize