Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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