I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
