you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
