No awkward lesbian experiences without me
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
