You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
