someone threw a dead crab at me
I cockslap morals
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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