I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
