I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
