He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
