Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
