I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
