I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
