There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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