I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
