You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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