I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
