I'd wear matching sweaters with you
everyone is single if you try hard enough
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
