I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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