Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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