Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
They took my balls.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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