Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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