Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
