I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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