Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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