i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
