"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
