I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
