I CAN MOONWALK!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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