Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
ok first of all what the fuck
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
