my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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