I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
