hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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