3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
