I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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