i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
