Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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