Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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