Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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