is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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