Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
