next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
