i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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