walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
