You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
