and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Sorry my hands just texted you
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
