Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
