remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
