Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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