Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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