Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Farmville is her only friend.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
