yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
