I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
