I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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