fuck your aforementioned shoe
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
