Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
