I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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