The best revenge is premature balding
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
