My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
