could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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