I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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