The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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